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With an over-flowing heart....

Posted on 2008.09.05 at 21:06
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
I've been terrible about posting... Tons of reasons, all of them seem like excuses now. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that no one checks this thing anymore. But I feel the need to post tonight anyway.

A wonderful, loving, brave woman that I know is facing yet more daily heartbreak at the end of the hell that is infertility. I won't go into the details here. If you know her, you know who I'm talking about. And if you don't, I don't feel right being the one to tell her story....

At any rate, I look forward daily to her updates about her boys, and always wish there were more... although I know she has far more important things to do than keep me informed about their milestones and setbacks. I wish we were still close enough that I felt comfortable telling her more often that I'm here. I know that she has dozens and dozens of loving women supporting her and I worry that I've been "gone" too long, that I'm not welcome in that circle any longer.

While I was battling infertility myself, I got to know several wonderful women who were on similar journeys. The blessing of having someone to talk to who understood some part of what I was going through was invaluable. I pray that I was half as uplifting to them as they were to me. Unfortunately, once I accepted that I'm infertile and started to plan for life without motherhood, I somehow lost that connection. I don't know who was to blame, or really if anyone was.  I'm terrible at asking for help, and quite possibly they didn't know I still needed them.

I think about these women daily... praying for their happiness, wondering where life has taken them, and wishing that they somehow knew how much I miss them. 

While my infertility doesn't haunt me the way it used to, at least not most of the time, it's still something that is hard to deal with. One of the hardest things is figuring out where I belong. We used to joke that we were our own little club - one no one ever wanted to belong to, but a club just the same - the Infertile Turtles :) Since I've accepted that I won't ever have children, I don't really belong to that club anymore. I guess it's hard for people to understand that while I've accepted this, it still hurts sometimes. Perhaps my fellow Turtles feel that because I've accepted not having children, I'll tell them that they should, too.

I really don't belong to the Childless-by-Choice group, because I'm not. Yes, I'm happy with my life, and don't currently want children. But being childless wasn't a decision I got to make. I've just learned to accept it and be happy with what I do have. But pregnancy announcements still catch me off-guard, and I still dread most baby showers - they bring up too much old hurt.

I don't know the point of any of this... perhaps I've just remembered how important it is to put my thoughts out there. Whether anyone's reading or not... But if you are, and if you're a Turtle, please know that I still think about you all - and pass that along. :)

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Wrong again

Posted on 2008.07.04 at 14:15
Current Mood: draineddrained
From the day we met
You made me forget
All my fears
Knew just what to say
And you kissed away
All my tears

I knew this time I had finally found
Someone to build my life around
Be a lover and a friend
After all my heart had put me through
I knew that it was safe with you
And what we had would never end
Wrong again

Everybody swore
They’d seen this before
We’d be fine
And you’d come to see that you still loved me
In good time

And they said there’s nothing you can do
It’s something that he’s going through
It happens to a lot of men
And I told myself that they were right
That you’d wake up and see the light
And I just had to wait ’til then
Wrong again

And it seemed to me the pain would last
My chance for happiness had passed
And nothing waited ’round the bend
I was sure I’d never find someone
To heal the damage you had done
And my poor heart would never mend
Wrong again
Wrong again

All 3

Just under 12 hours (still no spoilers) =)

Posted on 2007.07.22 at 02:35
Current Mood: tiredtired
To read that book, that is.

It was awesome!!!!! That's all I'm going to say. And now, I'm going to bed (it's after 2:30 am here). Good night.


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (no spoilers)

Posted on 2007.07.21 at 16:24
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic

Yes, I have it. Through an amazing amount of luck and... well, just luck, really, I have a copy of this wondrous final potion - portion - of the Chosen One's epic saga.... I'm on page 67.

Not to worry, you'll find no spoilers here. Just don't expect to read anything from me for the next 2-3 days as I will be voraciously consuming this incredible, much-anticipated, larger-than-life conclusion to our young hero's story.

After that, pictures of the family. I promise.

All 3
Posted on 2007.07.15 at 11:54
Okay, so I forgot to post yesterday. I'm sure this surprises no one. Unfortunately, I have absolutely nothing interesting to say today either. Maybe I should just abandon this goofy thing altogether. <shrug>

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Day two

Posted on 2007.07.13 at 13:17
Well, I really don't have anything to add today. But I vowed to post every day for a week. So here is today's post. If I think of anything to say later, I'll add.

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One more time.

Posted on 2007.07.12 at 13:14
Current Mood: contentcontent
Okay, I'm going to try again to actually post with some regularity. I'm shooting for once a day for the next week. We'll see what happens.


School is going well. I got my first A- this summer. So the 4.0 is gone. It sucks, but life goes on. I'm getting really excited about being done and going to work as an accountant. I am attending two 'Summer Leadership Conferences' next month. These are basically extended meet-and-greets where you learn more about the employer and they learn more about you. Both of my top two choices have invited me to their conferences, so I'm looking forward to that.

Things are going really well with my mom and sister. I talk to Mom at least once a week. I talk to Casey less often that that, but still enough to stay in contact. I'm a bit worried about Casey's new marriage, but hopefully I'm wrong. One way or another, I'm sure she will be okay.

We just bought a new car. It's a 2007 Mitsubishi Galant. The Durango had almost 100,000 miles on it and the gas mileage had gotten beyond ridiculous. Not to mention the maintenance requirements of a 6-year-old vehicle with 100,000 miles

I think those are the high points. If I left out any updates you are wondering about, let me know, and I'll post those tomorrow. :)  

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Update: SCHOOL

Posted on 2007.05.13 at 09:58
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: The Devil Wears Prada
I've just finished my second semester at Stetson with my 4.0 intact. Last fall, in my infinite wisdom, I decided I could handle 18 hours. Well, I pulled it off, but it was hell.

I've decided to take two classes over the summer to avoid having to torment myself with that kind of schedule again. So, in June I'm taking Ethics in Communication and Intro to Biblical Literature. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I am looking forward to having a much lighter schedule for next year. Also, over the summer I need to teach myself Spanish so I can get out of taking Spanish 2 in the Fall. That's about it as far as school is concerned.

All 3

So what?

Posted on 2007.05.12 at 17:11
Current Location: living room
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Women's gymnastics
So, I really haven't been posting lately. Part of the reason for this is that I realize hardly anyone is still reading. The biggest reason for that is that I don't post consistently. And the circle continues....

At any rate, I have just decided, 'so what?' I'm going to start posting regularly just for me. For crying out loud, I started this journal for me and no one else, so what difference does it make if no one else reads it? None. So there.

Usually when I decide to start posting again, I post one long novel that includes everything that has happened since I last posted and then don't post again for weeks. So this time I'm doing things differently. My goal for the next few days is to post updates on the different areas of my life. Then, hopefully, I will have developed the habit of posting daily and can just continue on from there. First up tomorrow: SCHOOL.

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Still here....

Posted on 2007.04.27 at 22:00
Current Mood: blahblah
I'm not even sure if anyone is still reading this stupid thing - especially since I'm such a schmuck and haven't posted anything since Nixon was president....

I was told by my new counselor yesterday that I should re-reach out to my support system, so here I am, for what it's worth.

Yeah. New counselor. My attorney realized yesterday that I'm depressed because of the continuing pain, yada, yada, yada, and strongly recommended that I see somebody. Knowing he was right and making the call were two different things until DJ started nagging.... at any rate, I made an appointment, met with the guy, blubbered like a freakin asshat for an hour and a half...

I just practically hung up on my mom after being pissy and childish and petty about the fact that my brother's little girl is now going to be in my sister's wedding as a bell ringer with my girls, rather than as a flower girl with the other 2-year-old. Whatever. It still pisses me off, but the justifications for that would take far too long and induce people to stabbing their eyeballs with straws out of sheer boredom.

School is going really well. Classes ended Wednesday for the semester and I just have three more finals to take. Then a 2-week SAP (computer software) certification course, then fly home for Casey's wedding, then back just in time for summer school. At this point I'm really looking forward to July.

If you got this far, I apologize. If you're still reading this horribly neglected blog, I apologize. I'm a schmuck. Meh.

PS - why the hell doesn't LJ's spellcheck recognize 'blog' as a word? Some kinda irony there, I'm sure.

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